Everybody has a rock bottom. My rock bottom came when I thought the first trimester was behind me. I inhaled a burrito, it didn’t want to stay down and in favour of my persian rug, I opted to instead throw up all over my staircase. And as the warm vomit was running down my legs I began to cry…and then started laughing, a lot and for long. It’s always darkest before the dawn…

For all you poor nauseas first trimesters, I can now safely say from the other side that you will feel better. Unfortunately there really is nothing that works, not ginger and definitely not smelling freaking lemons. Time. Just hold on, try not to die and know that it really does get better.

Since I have regained conciousness and started keeping solids down I have discovered that I am in fact, insane! I tried to kill a six year old who bumped into me while I was walking down a flight of stairs. I convinced myself that my baby wasn’t growing because I hadn’t put on any weight (no the constant vomiting did not spell the logical reason for this out). Every time before I go to the Dr I burst out in tears convinced that he is going to tell me something about my baby I don’t want to hear. Then after seeing her on a scan I am giddily happy and proceed to tell everyone how much I love them. The crying, Oh the dam crying! I am not a crier and I average an insane outburst a couple of times a week. The other day while on holiday, I started to ugly cry because I loved my husband so much and then blamed him for being too wonderful and making me cry. I think he is holding thumbs that our daughter is nothing like me. The poor man won’t be able to cope with 2 deranged lunatics as housemates.

Physically, my tummy muscles hurt and I woke up the other night convinced I was in pre-term labour when in fact my ligaments and uterus were just cramping. No one tells you that the cramping can hurt, a lot!

Even though pregnancy, for me, is the pits, seeing my daughter’s little face at her 20 week fetal assesment has turned me into mush. I constantly miss her even though we have never met. I can’t wait to hold her, can’t wait to see what she will look like and who she will become. I love her and that is the beginning and end of everything ❤

– Olivia Gillin de Beer

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